***Note: Not every post will be filled bladder-pulverizing hilarity, though I’m sure by now you’re all used to that as my comedic skills have only ever tickled a bladder. Onwards with my post***
I realized today that by leaving suddenly, I’ve avoided the “lasts” that are often filled with misty eyes and nostalgia. To be honest, I think I like it better this way. I don’t like tears, I don’t like goodbyes, I don’t like knowing that things are coming to an end.
I was planning on staying in college as a super senior so I was really sad at our end of the year work banquet thinking about how this was the end of a specific era with all of my friends who were my year and who had been there for me as I shed blood, sweat, and tears over our rigorous training program (this is almost a joke). The thought of a year filled with lasts–my last year of college, my last tour, my last fair, my last stupid college student nights, my last college birthday, my last banquet etc was starting to really weigh down on me. A year that should have been filled with excitement and love was beginning to be filled with trepidation and melancholy.
When a dozen doors shut in my face this summer and I came to the conclusion that a fifth year was not an option, I sought out and got a job abroad. Since getting the job, I have had about two weeks, more or less, to get a plane ticket, a visa, pack up my life, then pack it into two suitcases, and fly off which left little to no time for goodbyes or even thinking about goodbyes. In my last week here I have heard half of my friends talking about their new grownup life that they’re embarking on, and the other half making bucket lists for their final collegiate year. In listening to all of these friends, I realize that I have been forced to say goodbye without saying goodbye. Sure, I have one class left in the spring, at which point I will be graduating and walking but I already said goodbye to college life as I will be part-time and a commuter. I won’t be walking with the people I formed the closest friendships with. I already gave my final tour, a job that has brought me some of the greatest joys I have had in college. I am starting with my life and I did all this without even knowing which has made this transition much easier. I figured out months after I got used to not doing things that the end has come and gone and I have survived (think Y2K). I think a lot of us panic at the thought of the “big end” (no, not Kim Kardashian’s behind) because we’re not sure what we’re going to do on the other side or how we’ll survive but because my lines were blurred I get to taste real life before truly saying goodbye. Something I thought I wouldn’t be able to cope with, I have coped, I would say, quite marvelously with.
As I write this, I am sitting in my childhood room, a room that I lived in day in and day out of for about eleven years and I realize this is one of the last times I will sit here as a “child.” Sure, this will always be home as my parents will always welcome me with open arms, but after this journey I’ll be starting my “adult” life I think…I hope… While I already miss all of the things that I unexpectedly said goodbye to, I am coming back for a taste of it–for closure if you will. I think by that time though I’ll realize that I don’t really need all of the things I used to depend on, but it will be nice to come back for one final hurrah and know that though the things I love will grow and change, they will always be there for me. I don’t know how I feel about all of this, but I’m welcoming the opportunity.